I wrote, in the post, Social Media Depression, Self-Worth & Judgement:
When I think back to the root cause of this fear [of judgement], I think about my childhood filled with being bullied and scared of rebuke by other children. I never understood why or when it started but certainly it was fueled by the care factor I placed on others judgement of me.
I mentioned that I would need to sit with this line of thinking and apply some Time Line Therapy® (TLT) to myself or with the help of a colleague to determine the root cause of this fear.
Well, I’ve done this. And the learning’s have been powerful. Underneath this fear of judgement is, not surprisingly, a fear of rejection and a little voice telling me, ‘I am not enough.’
Consciously, I wouldn’t have thought this possible simply because of all the work and training I’ve already had. And yet, when your unconscious mind has increased its resources enough, it knows you’re strong enough to handle the next lesson in your growth. This isn’t something to shy away from. Embrace it as I am and the learning is easier and more rewarding. Remember too, I was able to judge other women easily, so it meant I was judging myself. Here I was with the next challenge to learn from.
Under guided hypnosis, I discovered a memory of when I was about 4-5 years of age. I was sitting on my bed with my white teddy named Snuggles. I was playing with her ear. I was clearly upset. In TLT, I guided myself back to what caused the deep sadness I saw.
I went back to a few moments earlier and saw that I had wanted to play outside with my twin brothers and father. My brothers ran away from me laughing, they said they didn’t want to play with me (a sport of some kind I couldn’t recall). My father, in his brisk, strong manner threw his arm up, pointed towards the front door and told me to go inside and find my mother. He rejected me. He didn’t want to play with me either.
This early memory planted a seed in my mind, a decision I made sitting on my bed with Snuggles that no one wanted to play with me. Who I was wasn’t someone people wanted to play with. I wasn’t enough, my 5-year-old mind decided.
I told my mother about my memory. She shared one of me she recalled from my prep schooling. She came to pick me up from school to find me sitting alone reading a book. She asked where my friends were, to which I answered, “no one wants to play with me today mummy so I’m reading my book.” She described my resolute sad disposition as though that was just a normal thing.
And so, I carried this belief with me through kindergarten, preschool, prep, and primary school. Never having friends, always bullied, picked on, left out.
This fear of not being enough, of rejection, has run its course in many different themes throughout the many phases of my extremely well-lived, varied life, and yet, always, deep within me was a feeling of inadequacy.
I took time then, under guided hypnosis, to create positive learning’s about that memory. To instil an understanding about the set of circumstances my naive, innocent, 5-year-old self couldn’t possibly have made at the time. I created a powerful resource that resolved the fear once and for all. A resource I can use now and in the future to help and support me.
It took a few days for the full effects of the hypnosis to be felt consciously in my conversations and in my environment. Surely it did though when compliments given to me were received and accepted. A comment about my intelligence wasn’t countered with a self-deprecating remark. A request to speak about my work came up with a business associate and I didn’t shy away or avoid saying yes. In fact, I’m really excited about all the things I can now share.
And best of all, I have absolutely no negative judgement of the wonderful women doing phenomenal work. I am so happy for them, proud to know them and honoured to learn from them.
Your EQL Coach,